When the haze goes.
And finally after weeks of enshrouding haze, the winds and rains and forces of nature, by God's hand, have cleared the air. The toxic embrace of smoke and grey has released its insistent clutch, and has freed the city like a bright relief. The sea of masked faces like expressionless robots flowing passively down pedestrian lanes can now reveal their radiant smiles and chattering lips.
The capital city skyline that spans far beyond my windowsill once showed myriad layers of murky haze, not simply like a faded painting but rather like a dull grey paint diluted and strewn across an artist's masterpiece. That watercolour accident of a city view has restored itself and the two thick twin spears grasped by sky clouds - iconic gems of the Kuala Lumpur skyline - can be seen during the day with an almost terrifying clarity, and during the night by its glimmering bedazzlements.
As the haze leaves the city in all physical senses, well let's also hope the haze leaves us in its figurative senses as well.
***
Semester exams ended today, and the relief of it all was particularly elevated for me after having endured 6 hours of intellectually-draining examination compressed into a single day. Economics, Literature and Biology began to blur into each other, though I do not know how. Not only had I found myself subconsciously carrying out literary analysis on the economics data extract, but I had also found it hard to gain what I call 'literary momentum' when I began to write my poetry analysis essay. The creative mind I needed to continuously write a clear and flowing essay simply did not materialise until half an hour into the exam. But what a great relief it was to have regained that momentum, and what an even greater relief it is to have finished the exams with satisfaction! :)
The weeks leading up to exams were weighed down by prolonged stress, like a semi-breve of anxiety, but also with staccatos of excitement and anticipation. In all honesty I had never felt so anxious about exams before, and I always thought of myself as a cool cucumber in exams. But no, cool cucumber was boiled this time, and A-Levels is an oven with no cooling function.
But I think the stress helped me, because it was more of a confident stress rather than an anxious 'oh no I can't come to terms with my situation how will I do this it's impossible utterly impossible it's crazy how do people survive college' kind of stress. And I think making such a distinction between the types of stress and making sure you stick with the former type is a good thing!!
Okay I'm done talking about my semester exam. In a nutshell, the papers were very challenging in general. The first question in the Maths paper shattered my confidence a bit, but fragments of glass can be pieced together again; thankfully by His strength I came back together without a crack, within the same paper.
...but see la. Sometimes the papers we think we do quite okay in are the very papers that disappoint us greatly. Trying to be realistic not pessimistic.
***
Back to the figurative haze.
The haze comes back once in a while and never seems to be gone for good. In the same way we can't expect, in this lifetime, to have a period of emotional suffering that would end all subsequent occasions of emotional torment. Inevitably we all have such failures in our emotional stability, at least once in a while. It's natural.
No one's emotions are made of concrete, and even if they are, they aren't true emotions because it is the volatility and fluctuating nature of feelings that give us what we call emotional highs and lows and allows us to distinguish between happy and sad, and makes us human because our emotions can be influenced by other people around us. And it's also why we have a fortress called our Rock and Redeemer who holds us together in such times and gives us the everlasting security we need.
Amidst the haze of emotional distress, we often cover ourselves up and bottle up our feelings, in the same way that those N95 masks hide so much of our faces. And when the haze goes and the masks go, all of a sudden bright smiles are revealed, from ear to ear, like an unbridled joy that anticipates no end. But the haze will come back. And we shouldn't worry. Everyone goes through the same thing; no one but absolute hermits are excluded from the haze. So we gotta help one another get through tough times, and together we can battle our struggles together. ♡
Besides, haze is no big deal when you've got Him by your side. If there's grey watercolour across a painting, He is the greatest artist who not only fixes the painting but can make you an even greater masterpiece - of which you can already see evidence, all around you in His creation.
***
Your love is making all things new.
